24 random thoughts during the last hour and a half of the Jersey Shore premiere
1. Ironic that these chicks in the house are calling the other chicks who came up from the Boardwalk "whore bags" in a black-pot-and-kettle sense. Especially since they base their non-whorebagishness on the fact that they've lived in the house two days and haven't acceded to a gangbang yet.
2. "The Situation" is a great friggin' guido nickname. "Don't bring dirty girls back" is a great friggin' guidette-roommate slogan. "This is the Jersey shore. What do you expect us to do, play with each other the whole time?" is a great friggin' gueed retort.
3. White trash comes in all shapes, sizes and hair styles. Case in point: Pauly D.
4. I need to make it perfectly clear that very few of these dirtbags and dirtbagettes are actually from Jersey. This is an important point to me.
5. First, Mussolini gave Italians a bad name. But, Mussolini didn't have shit on these "people." I can only imagine the Seaside Heights tourism bureau will hold them in the same esteem that Germany's tourism bureau felt about some dead guy named Adolf in, say, 1946.
6. "Snooki," the one who stripped down to skivvies, hammered to the lovehandles, the first weekend, is kind of hot, in a very weird way. The rest of them are dime-a-dozen Wildwood-quality jaundice-souled silicone-breastuses-hanging-out skanks (pictured). That includes "I'm a bartender. I do great things" Angelina and whichever one "JWOWW" is.
7. If I'm not mistaken, the answer to Pauly D's "Who has a T-shirt on the Boardwalk in the rain?" answer is "Every last person in the summer, you m'f'ing moron."
8. POSITIVE NOTE: The house itself is exactly as I picture the old-school shore houses, before the soulless rich folks came in and knocked them all down, forsaking positive vibes for profit.
9. I wonder what kind of "protein" "The Situation" has in his diet.
10. If I don't get an "I can kick your baby's ass" T-shirt for Christmas, Santa is dead-to-me. I already have an "I Bleed Jersey" one on the inside.
11. "Everybody loves me. Babies. Dogs. You know, hot girls. Cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal," says The Situation. I don't question the veracity of that statement.
12. I think Arthur Kade would blow The Situation. I meant that capitalized. Physically blow him. Sorry if that crosses the line. But, so does this show. And so does Kade.
13. One of the sluts just said her ideal man is a "Juicehead." If THAT doesn't sum it all up, I don't know what does.
14. I would recommend anybody who even said the word "Seaside" this summer get checked for syphilis.
15. SEMINAL MOMENT: It took one hour and 21 minutes for one of the juicefreak paisans to say, "the party's in Pauly D's pants tonight." It took an additional two seconds for this to happen:
16. It took two minutes for me to start feeling a lot better about the partying I did when I lived down in Sea Isle year-round. A LOT better.
17. Pink eye broke out the first weekend. To be followed by crabs, non-gonococcal urethritis, herpes, syphilis and bacterial vaginosis. I thought these things only happened in Baltimore.
18. I don't know what to make of this Ronnie guy. He seems, I don't know, like a not-entirely-bad-and-delusional-and-roidy guy. I'll get back to you about this issue.
19. Fist-pumping brawl at the bar? Check. Someone telling one of the chicks "to lose 5 or 10 pounds and we can talk"? Double check.
20. Oh, now I know which one JWOWW is: The one who flaunts the mammoth juggz every second of every day and leaves the bar early so she can eat ham. Good people. On-the-pole people.
21. "Don't let the spiked hair fool you. I'm not a bitch," says Pauly D. Oh Pauly D, you so cray-zee.
22. I shudder to think what the end result of a 24/7 camera around the Princeton in the summer of '98 would have been. I mean, I know what some episodes would entail. Fuzzy memories. But would America latch on to the "No cover here girls," declaration coming from an apartment window across the street from a Sea Isle bar? Yes, America would. No cover here, girls.
23. "If a girl's a slut, she should be abused," says abuse-fetishist slut Angelina.
24. It's totally awesome that a two-day hook-up relationship can leave someone who calls himself The Situation shattered.