Philly Blunt

Freelance writer. Editor and web-video producer. Former Atlantic City Press and Philadelphia Weekly staff writer, City Paper managing editor/columnist and Dougherty for Senate campaign manager. Comments welcome here or emailed to brianhickey9 [at] hotmail. Now on: Facebook (Brian Hickey, in Philly) Twitter at Flickr at Be sure to check out Hickey on Divorce Court:

19 August 2009

Three Peas in a Sub-5'9" Pod

If I wanted to be a prick, I'd say that, judging from the past week here in Philadelphia, some black criminals get punished even after they serve their punishment (which some claim was a weak sentence to begin with) while some white criminals get feted with a lil dress-up, power-broker-packed par-tay for 350 even before they serve their punishment (which every logical person claims is a weak sentence to begin with).

Rewind about 20 minutes, to when I was cruising the Schuylkill home from some catering place at 20th and Penrose in South Philly. Doing 55 in a 50, slow lane, too. Up pulls some Italian Stallion in a red BMW, jersey plates, honking, flashing his beams, urging me to let him pass. Even though the only place for me to go was the shoulder. And I don't move for anybody, but particularly mustachioed, sleeve-less T wearing asshats. All of which is to explain why you can drop the "If I wanted to be a prick, I'd say that" from the first line of this post.

Because I want to be a prick ... which means I'm saying that rich, white Vinnie Fumo got thrown a party this week while formerly-rich, black Michael Vick is still getting bashed.

I went down to said party tonight, though, for one reason alone: To see whether Vinnie looked sick enough to justify delaying the start of his sentence, like his lawyers are trying to do.

Dr. Hickey's diagnosis: He didn't look sick whatsoever. He wasn't pale and/or twitchy like he was portrayed in court. But sick is a relative term. Because only a mentally ill person, when asked by a reporter for his thoughts on people who figure 4.5 years isn't enough time for the 137-conviction king, would have the gall to say:
I'd like those people to come join me for half of my time and get your assessment then.

Well, liverlips, here are my thoughts on your challenge:
I would absolutely love to serve as your cellmate for 2.25 years, so I could mentally waterboard you till I thought you were adequately punished for every penny you pilfered and put into your vaccuum and heated-sidewalk and hairspray and yacht-trip collections. But, aside from that underage drinking charge and that little matter of flipping a parked car over one month into freshman year, I AM NOT A CRIMINAL AND NEITHER ARE MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO QUESTION THE JUDGE WHO GAVE YOU A REWARD FOR A SENTENCE RATHER THAN A SENTENCE SUITABLE FOR YOUR CRIMES.
P.S. Hope your fiance has patience, Vinnie. Worried she might just be tempted to go back to the "friend" you stole her from? Ta ta, convict.

Videos from outside the restaurant to follow. (Up top is Fumo. Down here is Frank DiCicco and Joey Vento, both of whom I kind of like and/or kind of respect. Except for, you know, celebrating with a convict who pulled a reverse Peter Pan.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to see Councilman DiCicco taking on the hard work of the City budget and trying to solve the looming budget impase that could mean the shut down of the court system and the lay off of countless cops... oh, wait. Hmmm. Nevermind.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast.
The state budget CAN'T possibly be solved without Vinnie The Thief in Harrisburg, so sayeth the guy from whom Fumo filched a girlfriend.

11:02 AM  

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