Philly Blunt

Freelance writer. Editor and web-video producer. Former Atlantic City Press and Philadelphia Weekly staff writer, City Paper managing editor/columnist and Dougherty for Senate campaign manager. Comments welcome here or emailed to brianhickey9 [at] hotmail. Now on: Facebook (Brian Hickey, in Philly) Twitter at www.twitter.com/brianhickey Flickr at http://www.flickr.com/people/brianhickey/. Be sure to check out Hickey on Divorce Court: divorcecourting.blogspot.com.

11 June 2009

Kade's too sexy for his shirt buttons


Listen, I'm all for Kadepocalypse Now, professionally and reputationally. That's why I went to a high-end bar that I considered do-able in chick terms, nine on Kade-scale. (My descriptions wouldn't do it justice since it was jam-packed and I really don't remember the intricacies of my last time there, since I was hammered.) It takes a lot for me to go to packed bars these days since I really can't drink all that much quite yet. But I went in the spirit of collectively bringing Kade down for those who truly want to do that, but aren't Phillycentric. I did it for ALL of us.
So how do I summarize a Fashion Show involving Kade? Let's start with how I waited in a line outside a bar for 30 minutes (this, despite the PR woman VIPing me graciously, but it just didn't feel right to take advantage of such a list on this night. Especially because, say what I will about the scrotes in the audience, the event was to raise funds for the Ronald McDonald House and RMH is a great charity). I felt that while I wouldn't be on the Kade level, I'd be in the Kade ballpark by doing so. And that's something I don't want ever to be accused of.
So, once I got in, and past a second VIP rope, I nestled myself in a non-alcoholic corner and scribbled some notes. Summarized, they are:
-- Why on earth is there a fashion show in Philly? (Other than to raise money for RMH, which is noble.)
-- Where is the Sarlacc pit from which this gaggle of vapid, but balls-ass hot-ass, chicks surfaced? (A LOT of the chicks from his photos were there, looking better than they do in the photos, but emptier in soul as they skated past the line out front.)
-- And why did the event itself feel so Kade-esque? (All I know is it immediately made me feel unsettled, and I didn't like being around those prettied-up and dumbed-down moths one single bit.) I logged about 20 minutes and leapt out a side door. But only after Artie made two scrotesque struts up the Kadewalk.
The first time? The first guy after a few female models -- whoever came up with that chrono surely saw the wisdom in getting the sideshow up there early and often -- he wore absurd Hilton-esque huge white sunglasses. I shit you not. I wish, I wish, I wish he posts a photo of them. There were a lot of cameras there, so there's potential.
And the second time is the shots I have here, in which he really did take a Zoolander page and pursed his mouth lips in a very vaggy way. I thought to myself, "Here pussy, pussy, pussy" but didn't say it. Not that anybody would have heard me over DJ Clubfest Remixenstein's take on whatever song includes the lyrics, "Why waste your time? You know you're gonna be mine" over and over again. What I noticed was he went the makeup route after last night's CW57 public flogging but I was freaked out by a room full of people not from the Philadelphia I've known for 36 years. Scrotes on parade, talking mindlessly about whether T-shirts under suit jackets "are still in style."
I wanted to throttle them for plenty of reasons, but primarily because they made me actually pity Arthur for a moment. Here's a conversation I was forced to endure like Kazakh Water Torture between three wide-eyed twerps who were probably fresh out of law school on daddy's limitless dime:
Douche 1 to Douches 2 and 3: "Duuuude, have you guys ever heard of Arthur Kade?"
Douche 2: "Who?"
Douche 1: "Arthur Kade man! K-A-D-E. Oh, you gotta look him up. Philly Mag did a huge piece on him this month. K-A-D-E. The guy quit his job and wants to be an actor. And he's here tonight. There he is now! (There he was). Arthur. DUDE! I love you, man. I saw your article! Keep living your dreams."
Douches 2 and 3: "Ah hahahahahaha."
Douche 1: "Yeah! Ah hahahahahaha."
I knew it was time to leave because I was on Arthur's side. I mean, Douches 1-3 were actually worse than Artie. The world as I know it died that 8:35ish p.m.

13 Comments:

Blogger Fatty Snarbuckle said...

You dominated that recap Kade-style. Ultra hot.

Unfortunately, you were not able to kill it at the highest level 100% better than anyone else in history because you left early. The only allowable excuse for leaving the coolest young fashion show in Philly early would be if the eruption of the crowd when Kade sashayed hurt your head too much.

Could you tell Kade was the leader of the models, and did you see Kade's influence in the less experienced models?

Was there even more media than normal there because of the story “The Journey” has become?

What direction did the stylists take with his hair this time? No doubt it was ultra hip and sexy,

In any event, RMH is a hot, ball-ass amazing ultra exclusive charity.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Fatty Snarbuckle said...

Do you think Kade is a graduate of the Barbizon School of Modeling?

Is Marissa Rosen Kade's blonde fag hag, the one cackling in his videos? What the fuck is wrong with her, and which character in Kade's Krew is she?

10:44 PM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Public House often hosts douchey fashion shows charity or not

11:30 PM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

I'll take these one at a time:
-- Kade was clearly the leader of the models in a Blue Steel kind of way. None even held a candle to his regal presence.
-- Chronicling "The Journey" was what attracted the BBC and CNN there, I'm told.
-- I would call the stylists' direction "Haute Froture" in that is was ball-ass HOT.
-- If he has Barbizon ties, I would hope they have Megan's Law registration for abortion-fingered descendants who get cast as Meth Man in the next Hannah Montana movie.
-- I would hope I never encounter the cacklers in Kade's videos for I'd be subsconsciously drawn to sever vocal chords.
-- And, I was unaware of the PH hosting fashion shows. I thought the place looked cool both times I was there. Plus, it makes me uneasy to have to rip charity events, but like I said, that crowd just felt, I don't know, more putrid than the people at Artie's daddy's salon.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Jen A. Miller said...

How organized was this event? I got an invite to it this morning. Yes, Friday morning.

8:06 AM  
Blogger AnastasiaBeaverhousen said...

Marissa is Samantha Jones in the players. Have been in her company several times and she is as annoying as she appears in his videos - not sure why she hitches her wagon to Kades, but I think to rich Main Line chicks he appears cool.......which tells you a lot.

CNN and BBC were there for him?? Please tell me that you are being hilariously witty this morning and not serious. Right now I am so afraid for the future of mankind, its not even funny.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

Maybe the BBC was there to cast him in a roll on Little Britain. He fit in perfectly. It looks like he was shaking his arse in the last picture, please tell me he didn't. This is becoming my favorite blog. Total support.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

Much love. (And no to CNN and BBC being there, but didn't the BBC do a documentary about men who love their blow-up dolls? Artie could meet their freak criteria)

10:39 AM  
Blogger AnastasiaBeaverhousen said...

Only if the blow up doll is of himself. You know, having sex with latex and killing it Kade Style. It would be the most balls ass blow up doll Philadelphia has ever seen....

11:06 AM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

Kade would tap that latex Kade doll so ball-ass hot-ass hard it'd be begging for mercthy.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew, he's got the facial profile of a Kazakh child molestor. Can we cast him in the next blow-everything-to-kingdom-cum movie as "Guy Who Gets Face Hatcheted In Two Right On Screen In The First Ten Minutes"? He'll be bragging about the longest unnamed movie character name in history, of course. Say, does he already have an IMDB or Wikipedia page???

11:34 AM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

Oh, no. We can't have him on screen for such a limited amount of time. I need to check IMDB and Wiki. Those are good, good questions. I guess I'll search for the role of, "Guy in pew for .4 seconds on Gossip Girl."

6:13 PM  
Blogger Brian Hickey said...

Well, no IMDB page, but there is an Artur Kade, who can NOT be happy about Arthur:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2705573/
There wasn't an Arthur Kade page on Wikipedia, either. Until now.

6:16 PM  

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