Philly Blunt

Freelance writer. Editor and web-video producer. Former Atlantic City Press and Philadelphia Weekly staff writer, City Paper managing editor/columnist and Dougherty for Senate campaign manager. Comments welcome here or emailed to brianhickey9 [at] hotmail. Now on: Facebook (Brian Hickey, in Philly) Twitter at Flickr at Be sure to check out Hickey on Divorce Court:

30 June 2009

Strawberry Mansion All-Stars

So, today was the third annual "Step Up to the Plate, Strike Out Violence" softball game between the FBI and the Strawberry Mansion All-Star Baseball League. I've been tracking this league for all three years, as a beacon that things can go well outside of Center City and other rich-folk neighborhoods. Sure, a guy got shot a few blocks away during the inaugural game, but the worst thing to happen to day was a sporadic downpour and gusty winds.
Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey threw out the first pitch. The Phillie Phanatic rode a bike in the outfield at 33rd and Diamond and did the rounds of a crowd that included kids, parents and residents of Strawberry Mansion, FBI families and exhibitors, city agencies, Tolley!, cameras from several local TV stations and Phillies ballgirls.
In my one plate appearance, I hit into a 5-3 groundout in the bottom of the eighth, further cementing the FBI's 21-15 victory. (This, after each team scored three runs in the first before registering their first out.) Here are some photos from the event...

The Mansion All-Stars coaches and supporters

The Phanatic arrives

Some FBI supertruck

First pitch (Ramsey's somewhere over all that green's shoulder)

The Chronicles of Douchebagia

As promised, Richard M. Sarkisian's letter, which pretty much blames me for getting hit-and-ran. If I may address only Richard M. Sarkisian, of Sicklerville (and the illustrious Camden County Community College), for a moment:

Talking Back
The only way somebody could know what I looked like while walking on the street that night is if they ran me over and took off. So, feel free to take the claims that you "felt very badly for" me and wish me "nothing but the best," and shove them back down your arrogant throat, Dick.
Brian Hickey

P.S. The iPod battery died hours beforehand, and I didn't realize I was responsible for lighting the streets that I walked upon rather than recklessly driving drunk, which I probably should have in retrospect. Now, feel free to get your busy lil brain working on a counter-argument since you clearly don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Ernest, Earnestly

So, I'm a Hemingway guy. But I'm sure you could tell that already. It's to the point, though, that on this very desk that I'm'a typing right now, there's a copy of The Old Man and the Sea, complete with a little sticker on the cover that confirms I bought it at the Hemingway House in Key West, and provides a link through which there's a live feed of the six-toed cats that pretty much run the property.
All of which is to say, "Of course I saw the story on the front page of the Sunday New York Times about how his unfinished (yet published in '64 by his fourth wife) memoir, 'A Moveable Feast,' has been re-edited by grandson Sean Hemingway and will be released as a 'restored edition' in July."
Scholars are clear that this new edition should not be regarded as definitive any more than the 1964 version. “This book can’t become a sacred text,” said Ann Douglas, a professor of literature at Columbia University, adding that “there can be no final text because there is not one.”
Indeed, scholars and aficionados have long known that Hemingway did not consider his Paris memoir complete at the time of his suicide in 1961. He wrote a letter — though it was not sent until after his death — to his publisher, Charles Scribner, that “it is not to be published the way it is and it has no end.”
But in an essay she wrote for The New York Times Book Review in May 1964, Mary said Hemingway “must have considered the book finished.” Along with Harry Brague, an editor at Scribner, she shaped the manuscript, changing the order of some chapters, and adding others that Hemingway had decided not to include. Most notably, Mary inserted that final chapter about the end of Hemingway’s first marriage.

You should read the Times piece, if only to confirm that literature can have a juicy backstory.

29 June 2009

Will anybody think of the children? UPDATED

The other day, someone told me they thought Arthur Kade was mentally ill. They saw him in action, first-hand. Conversed with him, even. At first, I was all like, "No shit he's mentally ill. That's what keeps me coming back for more."
Then, I gave it some more thought.
So, now I'm all like, "No shit he's mentally ill. That's why I don't want to come back for more, but we're all rubberneckers deep down inside, and that's why we type those 10 letters and a period, followed by three letters. We want Jame Gumb on that wall, doing the tuck to 'Goodbye Horses.' We need Jame Gumb on that wall, doing the tuck to 'Goodbye Horses.'"
All of which is to say how very, very tragic this all is, when Artie types about how all these Cartoon Network people just love him to death, keep tabs on The Journey and all. But, to even an untrained eye, their body language and expressions scream that, like all of us, they're just laughing at him. Don't get me wrong: He's brought this upon himself. And I love that, one day, he's going to see the arrogant error of his ways and have to beg his friends to forget those 3 months that he absolutely lost touch with reality. I hope he realizes this before he gets 302ed.

So sad that he suggests they make a cartoon about him. He really is the last person to know that he's already animated himself. I need to start taking detailed notes. The Journey is clearly destined for true-crime shelves.

UPDATE: Yeah, it's just as I expected. Excerpted from one of their blogs:
And then I read his blog. Its hilarious. But I think not on purpose... I still can't tell! I don't know if there's really something wrong with him or if its an Borat kind of thing... either way, amazing...

The email that led me to Richard M. Sarkisian...

Having just finished reading the letter written by Richard M. Sarkisian regarding the hit and run accident of local journalist Brian Hickey all I can say is WOW. How cold of a heart can a man possess when he blames the victim for a crime like that.
Mr. Hickey did nothing illegal that night. His actions were right in line what many people his age do. Maybe the car hitting Mr. Hickey was just an unavoidable accident on the part of the driver that occurs almost daily in this region. The crime was committed when the driver chose to leave Mr. Hickey to die by the side of the road.
Mr. Sarkasian's assessment of the situation is akin to blaming a rape victim for the way she was dressed or putting herself in a vulnerable situation. Following his train of thought we should be expecting a "sense of guilt" from the victims of the Fairmount Park rapist/killer and not the rapist himself.
Joe Leighthardt

Well, Joe, I don't know about nothing illegal that night. I mean, I probably listened to a song I downloaded for free before the iPod battery died around 5 p.m.

Well, allow me to retort...

**NOTE: The letter isn't online. Will scan it tomorrow or Wednesday.

So, I heard some dude named Richard M. Sarkisian wrote a letter to Philly Mag blaming me for getting hit by a car. Classy. But, well within his right. I mean, after all, I was wearing an iPod and, even though the battery had died five hours earlier, how dare I walk upon the street with earphones!
Allow me to present what students at high-end Camden County Community College had to say about Professor Richard Sarkisian. Now, I don't know if it's the same guy, but I can only assume it is since it's with the rarity of lightning strikes that two supreme douchebags share the same name...

Obnoxious! Arrogant! Doesn't like to be bother; gets annoyed. He will try to embarass you in front of fellow students. Where does CCC get these professors? We pay money for this!SHIT wtf When I'm done with semester, I have know intention of taking classes at CCCagain. This IS WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME,how can you not ast a teach for help good job ccc

HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!!! He is a completely useless man, and this class isn't worth your time! Get Out While you still can!

Prior to taking this class I have heard of this guy. Now that I have taken his class, I hope that I dont have to take another class with him. He does not teach, & enjoys giveing A LOT of useless HW. At the end of every class he runs out, so there is no time to ask him anything. And if you do, your not sure if he going to make fun of you or not.

Also, on a scale of (I believe) five, he ranks...
Average Helpfulness: 1.3
Average Clarity: 1.7
Hotness Total: 0
Overall Quality: 1.5

All I can say is, "Thank Christ I qualified for real college." Here's a page about the "avid game player." Is it wrong to hope he goes back to Pamplona for his 50th birthday next year, to get trampled by the bulls? (See page 24.)

Finally, Kade starts humiliating himself in L.A.

I've been waiting so long for this (Six days felt like an eternity). To think his L.A. trip starts with the humilating realization that Kade can't go four seconds without offending an entire race: "A fan actually texted me asking whether I liked black girls."
Actually, he can't even visually discern between races! To wit:

"Look at that shit?" Really?
And, did you see her unflinching expression of "Who is this rodent?" Neither did I the first time. So, watch again.
I hear People has an exclusive with him. Or so says someone's post in the comments section:

I hope this is the last time I have to post about Arthur. I really, really do.

Rutt-rohh, Sonia

And just like that, the firefighter/race case becomes the focal point of Sonia Sotomayor's potential Supreme Court nomination:
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court ruled Monday that white firefighters in New Haven, Conn., were unfairly denied promotions because of their race, reversing a decision that high court nominee Sonia Sotomayor endorsed as an appeals court judge.

28 June 2009

I now present, for your reading pleasure, one paragraph of Travers' Bruno review

*Click on the image to enlarge it. Uh huhuhuhuhuh, I wrote enlarge.

Weekend Reading Roundup (I'm'a kill my DVR Edition)

So, it's 12:24 p.m. right now. I didn't wake up till roughly 10. Fed Chuck Dawg. Took her out. Peeled an orange. Put on the TV. And, started watching the 3rd Place Confederation Cup game, Espana vs. South Africa. That the DVR has been invented made all of this possible, since I'd have to had woken up before 9 to watch said match. And I don't wake up pre-9 these Sundays. Great game. Strike that. GREAT game.
South Africa scores first in the 70th-something minute. Looks like they're going to secondarily shame the world's No. 1 squad. Then, Espana scores in the 88th and 89th minutes, knocking ashamedness (not a word, but you know what I mean) into the hearts of South Africans. (The 89th min. goal is among the best I've ever seen.) But then, on the last play of the game, a free kick from about 25 or so, Katlego Mphela drills one into the upper corner, just past el goalkeepero's outstretched fingertips.
And then ... well, then, the 2 hours and 5 minutes of taping time expired so I couldn't see OT, which Spain scored a 3-2 victory in. But still. I was pissed.
I say all this as a pre-emptive strike to explain why I'm not going to hold court on why the Sunday Inqurier seemingly buried a story about a double-murder in a rich-folk building over at a fancy new development project upon the Schmidt's Brewery site. Why bother? I think we all know why a story about two horrible deaths features pro-development comments from a spokesperson for the developer. (Safe neighborhood! We have cameras in the hallways!) Pitiful. Not worth another second of my time. Got a lot of links to provide, rapid-fire style:
-- Wish I'd have put a little Betfair wager down on the U.S. team winning the tourney. Nine-hundred-ninety-nine to one?
-- Liking the Chris Pronger acquisition. May it cost Ms. Cindy Crosby a few more teeth and bring Lord Stanley's Cup home for a third time in my lifetime.
-- George Anastasia inks a compelling obit of journalist Steven Wells, who I didn't know but am told I would have gotten along with famously.
-- Pirates (Party) invade the Swedish parliament!
-- Oh look! A Bloomberg story in the Inky about the court case that I based my June 17 Metro column upon!

-- Oh look! Local gossip-blurb writer writes a gossip blurb about the kind of site that's placed his job atop the soon-too-disappear list!
The perfect news dump
Journalism's greatest hero,, which nightly patrols all along the media watchtower, notes that, given the lack of any interest in non-Jackson- and non-Farrah-related news through the weekend (and possibly all next week), Congress could give itself a 120 percent pay raise, Halliburton could announce it is annexing Siberia, and the Afghan gov could ban chickpeas and no one would notice.
Go for it, Scary Powerful Dudes!

-- Oh look! A news-story writer at the same paper writes a marvelous news story, on the same day as said blurb, giving context to how the news of MJ's death spread primarily via Facebook, and Twitter and text messages and websites. Psst, note to everybody: This is an example of how best to stake a newspaper claim to stories that spiral out-of-control into everybody's brains before context is offered. John Timpane gets a Tip of the Cubs Hat for his good work on A1.
-- But in closing, methinks Rolling Stone took the piece entitled, "Michael Jackson's Troubled Comeback" off its website. Ironic, though, that the issue in which they questioned his ability to pull the London shows off arrived minutes before CNN was telling me that they're trying to figure out whether he was dead.

Allow me to be the first to say it...

The guy who claims J.C. Romero assaulted him?
Douchebag playing the woe-is-me card, looking for a quick payday. Furthermore, he deserved substantially worse than a throat grab.
Eaton said he was attempting to get autographs from Phillies players when the incident happened.
After players brushed him off, Eaton said he called out to Romero, something to the effect of, "How about you get me some juice?"
Romero was recently reinstated from a 50-game suspension for violating baseball's policy against performance enhancing substances. The pitcher claimed the test resulted from a dietary supplement he bought over the counter.
Romero snapped, Eaton said, telling him to "shut the f---- up" and that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Eaton said he replied that Romero was the one who'd been suspended recently.
"He reared back and kinda grazed my chin and grabbed me by the neck and threw me back," Eaton said. "I was in shock."
Eaton's lawyer, James Magazine, said he was retained late Friday afternoon and hasn't had time to investigate the case.
"I don't feel what I said was wrong," Eaton said. "I feel if you cheat the game you're going to hear it from people. He brought that on himself. I just can't believe that a professional athlete would cross the line."

27 June 2009


Johnny from Cobra Kai? This guy would knock him the f*ck out. Big time.
In Soviet Russia, the wax comes off before it goes on.
Think about that shit.
Blew my mind too.

*If you're short on time, I direct your attention to 4:54 through 5:27.

The Pledge...

... stands at 103 hours. It hasn't been easy to maintain (damn near impossible, really, since I've been needing distraction from the King of Pop's passing). But, I'm a better person for it. You should join me.
N-n-now that that don't kill us, will only make us stronger. All comes down to that gasoline smell...

"Some day his 15 minutes' gonna end."

26 June 2009

Far and away, my favorite MJ Song

RIP, Michael.

(Props to The Duge for finding this vid)


The World Mourns Michael Jackson
Published: June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson’s brand of pop knew no borders and needed no translation, linking listeners around the world through the accessible corridors of rhythm, beat, and dance. And as reaction to his sudden death began to pour in Friday, its extent underscored how far his influence had spread.
From Sydney to Hong Kong, China to Los Angeles, fans spoke of their shock and sadness. His music echoed from cafes and car speakers, and everyone from national leaders on down seemed to weigh in.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez called the star’s death “lamentable news,” though he criticized the media for giving it so much attention. Former South Korean President Kim Dae-jung, who had met Mr. Jackson, said: “We lost a hero of the world.”
Fans gathered with candles at a spontaneous memorial in Hong Kong, while in the Philippines, a dance tribute was planned for a prison in Cebu, where Byron Garcia, a security consultant, had 1,500 inmates join in a synchronized dance to the “Thriller” video.
“My heart is heavy because my idol died,” he said.
Online, the traffic was so thick with people sharing news of his death that the microblogging service Twitter crashed , and even Google, the search giant, believed it may have been under service attack, the BBC reported.
The former Philippine first lady, Imelda Marcos, said she cried on hearing the news.
“Michael Jackson enriched our lives, made us happy,” she said in a statement. “The accusations, the persecution caused him so much financial and mental anguish. He was vindicated in court, but the battle took his life. There is probably a lesson here for all of us.”
Quincy Jones, who worked closely with Jackson on some of his most successful recordings, led tributes from the music world.
“I am absolutely devastated at this tragic and unexpected news,” he said of one of the first black entertainers of the MTV generation to gain a big crossover following.
The film directors Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg also paid tribute. Mr. Scorsese told “Michael Jackson was extraordinary. When we worked together on Bad, I was in awe of his absolute mastery of movement on the one hand, and of the music on the other. Every step he took was absolutely precise and fluid at the same time. It was like watching quicksilver in motion.
“He was wonderful to work with, an absolute professional at all times, and — it really goes without saying — a true artist. It will be a while before I can get used to the idea that he’s no longer with us.”
Mr. Spielberg told Entertainment Weekly: “Just as there will never be another Fred Astaire or Chuck Berry or Elvis Presley, there will never be anyone comparable to Michael Jackson. His talent, his wonderment and his mystery make him legend.”
Fellow singer Celine Dion said: “I am shocked. I am overwhelmed by this tragedy. Michael Jackson has been an idol for me all my life.”
Mr. Jackson had been scheduled to begin a comeback tour in London next month, and fans there gathered to mourn Ben Bradshaw, the culture secretary, issued a statement to announce his grief in which he said he was “a long-time fan of Michael Jackson and had Billie Jean played as the first dance at his civil partnership,” the Guardian reported.

25 June 2009

Pulling for you, MJ

Pop star Michael Jackson was rushed to a hospital this afternoon by Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics.
Capt. Steve Ruda said paramedics responded to a call at Jackson's home around 12:26 p.m. He was not breathing when they arrived. The parademics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda told The Times.
[Updated at 2:12 p.m.: Paramedics were called to a home on the 100 block of Carolwood Drive off Sunset Boulevard. Jackson rented the Bel Air home for $100,000 a month. It was described as a French chateau estate built in 2002 with seven bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, 12 fireplaces and a theater.

Aw, wook at the wittle Korweans

Well, I do have to say this about Kim Jong Il's wee lil army of anti-Americans: they're soooo cute. Oh yes they are!
SEOUL, South Korea — Punching their fists into the air and shouting "Let's crush them!" some 100,000 North Koreans packed Pyongyang's main square Thursday for an anti-U.S. rally as the communist regime promised a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" for any American-led attack.
Several demonstrators held up a placard depicting a pair of hands smashing a missile with "U.S." written on it, according to footage taken by APTN in Pyongyang on the anniversary of the day North Korean troops charged southward, sparking the three-year Korean War in 1950.

Um, the Supreme Court had to rule on this?

From the "No Shit" Files:
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a school's strip search of an Arizona teenage girl accused of having prescription-strength ibuprofen was illegal. The court ruled 8-1 on Thursday that school officials violated the law with their search of Savana Redding in the rural eastern Arizona town of Safford.
Redding, who now attends college, was 13 when officials at Safford Middle School ordered her to remove her clothes and shake out her underwear because they were looking for pills -- the equivalent of two Advils. The district bans prescription and over-the-counter drugs and the school was acting on a tip from another student.
"What was missing from the suspected facts that pointed to Savana was any indication of danger to the students from the power of the drugs or their quantity, and any reason to suppose that Savana was carrying pills in her underwear," Justice David Souter wrote in the majority opinion. "We think that the combination of these deficiencies was fatal to finding the search reasonable."

Oh David Souter, you're getting randy in your pre-retirement days. Here's where I thought things went "fatal":
Raleigh Sakers was right. Supreme Court, you are not the Supreme Court...

(Low volume on this one)
You don't eat your feedback.

And just like that Propositions 9 through Infinity Squared Shot Down

Why, you ask, will gay rights never be fully achieved? This should explain it:
Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has filed a lawsuit alleging, among other things, that his civil rights were violated when the road manager of Black Eyed Peas allegedly attacked him outside a party in Toronto early Monday morning.
The fight reportedly stemmed from an earlier argument Hilton had with Black Eyed Peas singer Will.I.Am about negative things he's written about the band. According to Hilton, the argument ended when Hilton, who is gay, called Will.I.Am a gay slur. But the lawsuit doesn't mention that...

When gay marriage is still banned in 2076, can those of us still breathing just call them "Perez Hilton Civil Unions"? Can I refer to that photo as "Perez shows off his bitch tits"? Or would those, like, be civil-rights violations, too? (The comments, not the bitch tits themselves. Those violate common decency if not humanity itself.)

Two Songs I Downloaded This Week (Hustla Edition) and an Obscurie Foreignie But Goodie

It's taken all the strength I have, not to fall apart and break my Pledge. Believe you me. But I'm 48 hours in, and I feel like a better person for it. Oh, tha music:
1. "Auditorium," Mos Def. Honestly, I prefer "Quiet Dog" to any song that's come out in the past several years, but the title of this post in "downloaded this week" so that I must honor. Auditorium's chill. Quiet Dog's just better in all respects. Mos Def continually saves rap for me. That's saying something when it comes from a product of P.E. and Eazy like me.

2. "Another One Bites the Dust (Parks Bonifay)," Rockwilder, TRA & Vanessa Mullings. I just wanted to hear a different take on Queen that didn't involve Glambert. And, I did. You know what this felt like? It'd be on the soundtrack to "Boomerang." Remember that one? Eddie Murphy, Mrs. Mike Tyson, young Halle Barry, Assinio, Eartha Kitt and Grace Jones as a Janet Dickinson-type shilling "Afterbirth" perfume? Great flick of the underrated sort. And, little did I know I have two songs from the soundtrack on mePod: "Reversal of the Dog" by the LaFace Cartel (featuring TLC) and "7 Day Weekend" by Jones.
Maaaaahhhhhhcccuuussss, dahling.

3. "Kecu Minino Na Tchora," Bidinte. I don't understand a word of this, except in the language of music that makes being on the R6 going through North Philly deceptively like you're en route to a beach in the Bahamas. Which is saying something, since Bindinte's a Guinea Bissau-ian. Yes, in Africa. Great vibe for the BBQ deck, too.

In Defense of the Father, His Son

I don't know which was more shocking: that Sports Illustrated dedicated five pages to the U.S. Soccer team including the quote...
"All the f------ experts in America, everybody who thinks they know everything about soccer, they can all look at the score tonight, and let's see what they have to say now, all right?" said an emotional [Michael] Bradley [who's papa is team coach] after the [Egypt] game. "Nobody has any respect for what we do, for what goes on on the inside [of the team], so let them all talk now."

... or the facts that the story ran before, and all the f'in experts in America were right to question the team after getting drubbed by Brazil and It-lee until, yesterday's reign over the plain Spain. (A defensive marvel. Well done, fellas.)

24 June 2009

Everything That's Right About America

And no, I don't mean the stunning futbol victory over No. 1 in the world Spain. Or, the uber-bibled Gov of South Carolina owning the fact that he spent Padre's Day with his Sudamericana lovetoy.
"I've spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina. I am committed to trying to get my heart right," so sayeth Mark Sanford.
"Wish wish hope hope there's a sex tape from the Llamas de Pampas," so sayeth Me. Because ... It's reality-show-sex-tape coverage time!!!
PATERSON, N.J. - One of the stars of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" has stopped an ex-boyfriend from releasing a sex tape , at least temporarily.
A judge on Wednesday ordered an injunction banning the release of any sexually explicit video or pictures of Danielle Staub and her former boyfriend Stephen Zalewski pending a hearing next month.
Staub, of Wayne, says Zalewski is trying to get back at her because she broke up with him last year. She says she was videotaped without her knowledge.
Staub filed a lawsuit Wednesday in Paterson that alleges invasion of privacy, defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress.
A call seeking comment from Zalewski was not immediately returned Wednesday.

I think we can all agree that when our culture has so obviously embraced "prostitution whores" who may or may not have been involved in a kidnapping plot over a kilo of blow, we've just reached another apex. I'm proud to be a New Jerseyan, where at least I know I'm free...

27 Hours Later...

... and I'm still maintaining a kinda-strict adherence to "The Pledge." If you don't count comments on other posts and on others' comments, I'm still in the game.
I'll be spending the afternoon working on a story for Philadelphia Weekly, watching Espana esmokena los Estados Unidos en futbol starting in an hour or so, and trying to concoct code language so I can post a link to a coming post elsewhere from a friend and fellow writer who took a temporary seat The Journey last night to hilarious result.
Hickey IN.

Cry for him, Argentina

You see, when I worked in South Carolina from 7.95 to 10.96, the slam-the-Gov whispered-and-unfounded rumor was that he was importing ladies of the Atlantic City night for, um, cross-cultural-training. Yeah, that's it.
You ask what cost him the highest Palmetto State office? Well, that didn't come till '99 when voters got their revenge for his taking down of the Confederate Flag from atop the State Capitol. How dare he. Well, somehow, I don't think that Bible-totin' Mark Sanford's in as much trouble as the Beaz was for his wisdom. Even if he's questionably off the proverbial rocker. Unlike the Beaz, who I found to be down-to-earth in a wanted-to-have-a-beer-with-him fashion even if he was a God-totin' conservative. Those pre-culture-war days were better times.
Sanford, in an exclusive interview with The State, said he decided at the last minute to go to the South American country to recharge after a difficult legislative session in which he battled with lawmakers over how to spend federal stimulus money.
Sanford said he had considered hiking on the Appalachian Trail, an activity he said he has enjoyed since he was a high school student.
"But I said 'no' I wanted to do something exotic," Sanford said "... It's a great city."

Much love, Sanford. Much love.

Bonus coverage:
Here's the link to my Metro column today.
Soldiers seem to like their heavy metal.
Wrap your ride up like it's a golf ball, improve fuel efficiency by 20 percent; wind power (like that currently proposed for off the NJ coast) would really be a good idea to get in on; and robots RObots ROBOTS!

23 June 2009

A Taste of Tomorrow's Metro Column, Today

I’m no union basher. Some friends and relatives are labor-community residents, and anybody who works to rightfully take power from The Man and distribute it amongst the little (wo)men is A-OK in my book. But in these financial times, when unemployment’s through the roof, what the four municipal unions are posing and preening about is not-OK.

So, Philadelphians, grab the Metro tomorrow morning. It's the right thing to do.

All this talk about and gossip.queen.blogger...

... left me thinking one thing:
"This all makes Richard Simmons look downright macho."

Exhibit A

Exhibits B-D

Even More Charlie Dawg Pic


Somebody just asked me what I thought about this Daily News story...
For four days, Lemuel Payne hid his damaged Mercedes-Benz; three times he allegedly skipped out on home monitoring; and for almost a year, he kept silent. But Payne, 27, admitted his role for the first time in last year's hit-and-run death of 16-year-old Faith Sinclair in Sharon Hill by pleading guilty yesterday to charges of leaving the scene of an accident involving death and of tampering with evidence.
The guilty plea came one day before he was to go to trial in Delaware County Court.
Kim Ferrell, Sinclair's mother, said she was glad for the plea because it saved her family from the agony of a trial.
"But they're still just words," she said. "Show me, don't tell because I have yet to see remorse."

I feel Kim's pain, but hope she can take solace in the fact that the person who hit-and-ran her daughter was caught, and will be punished. Even if Payne sounds like the dictionary entry for recidivist dirtbag, he's prison-bound, which counts for something.
He'll be sentenced to up to 9 years on July 20.

The Kade Pledge

Do you, Brian Hickey, solemly swear that you will not comment about, or post links to, anything Arthur-related until he absolutely humiliates his-couchliving-self -- and Philadelphia as a whole -- during his four-day Los Angeles stay?
I so solemnly swear.
But only after sharing this:

While I've already notified a photog-friend of mine that His Royal Douchinence will arrive soon, I hope, pray and hope-and-pray that Artie's cackling sidekick, let's call him Yogurt Boy, will record it all for posterity. Or, that this is the week that he comes clean about either 1) having homosexual yearnings or 2) that this has all been a ruse aimed at landing him on Paris Hilton's New BFF or Big Brother 12.
Either/or, Artie. Either/or is just fine to mine eyes.
Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go and bleach those eyes I just mentioned out in the hope that Almost Famous hasn't been ruined forever for me.
In the meantime, a photo for you all to savor:

22 June 2009

And, finally, two rather serious stories

I haven't read the full story yet. It's sitting on the little table next to my recliner waiting for ample brain time to digest, but if what I understand is true, the Philadelphia VA Hospital, where one of my friends actually goes to receive his doctoring services, basically violated the human rights of those there to receive prostate-cancer treatment. Oh, and then the radiation-safety committee helped them keep it quiet.
Had the government responded more aggressively, it might have uncovered a rogue cancer unit at the hospital, one that operated with virtually no outside scrutiny and botched 92 of 116 cancer treatments over a span of more than six years — and then kept quiet about it, according to interviews with investigators, government officials and public records.
The team continued implants for a year even though the equipment that measured whether patients received the proper radiation dose was broken. The radiation safety committee at the Veterans Affairs hospital knew of this problem but took no action, records show.

Disgusting. Dr. Gary D. Kao (NYTimes picture to the upper right) should face war crimes if this holds true.
As for the second story, well, these four photos are what I remember of being at and around the Alhambra in Granada during my exchange-student summer in Spain...

It's safe to say that I long considered it one of the most beautiful places on earth. The scanned photos taken in 1990 do them little justice. Just like how the Spain under Franco did the people there little justice other than lining Federico Garcia Lorca up before a firing squad in a cemetery that still bears bullet holes in the walls.

To Commemorate Jon & Kate Plus Divorce Papers Day...

... I now share a video that pal Rodney Linderman shared when I listed my Facebook status as, "Brian Hickey thinks, no, strike that, Brian KNOWS that Kate Gosselin ran him over in Collingswood on Nov. 28. She was too busy hitting her kids to pay attention to the road. That trollop is an unfit driver AND mother."

You will get NOTHING and you will like it, Mady.

Words of Advice from Divorce Court Viewer "Kim from Texas"

Not only was today's case involving a fellow named Torrance who found out his blushing bride Dijnae was a lesbian upon his return from prison, but the viewer call-in question hit on something that's near all dudes' hearts: Whether womenfolk should wear dresses.

Beat This Caption

Kade OUT of the closet
Prop 8's third strike.

You might ask what is domination

Back in the day, I saw plenty a person all White Horsed/White Ponied Out (WHWPO) out of their muthafuckin' minds.
What did it look like, you ask?
If you wanna ride ...

This comes less than 10 minutes after I told someone that I was sworn off Kadenanigans. Oh well, I guess it's safe to say it now, then:
He's going on and on about the exclusive opening of Dusk on July 4 weekend right? Well, the real VIP opening is on June 26, invite only.

So, suck it, Kade. Oh wait, he's probably into that, ain'the? Um, be a manly man? It's so hard to insult the closeted, huh?

Centre Courted

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm well aware that Rafa ain't playing this year. And, that means Roga is going to cake-walk to his Grand Slam Titles Record. But that doesn't mean I can't pine for last year's Best Match Ever in which Rafa beat Roga. Here's a link to my review of Jon Wertheim's book about the 2008 Wimbledon gentlemens championship match.
What I appreciate most about tennis aren’t the physical elements (though Becker’s diving about the court is both what first drew me in and bruised me up). It’s the psychological side of everything from amateur knockarounds to professional ranks. On the court, there’s nobody to blame but yourself and no coaches to offer advice. It’s mano-a-mano (or womano-a-womano); only the mentally stronger survive a given day. It’s competition at its purest, bared for all to see, sometimes cruelly but generally tactfully. A cordial war.
And at no point in the tennis history has that been clearer than last July 6.

21 June 2009

Weekend Reading Roundup (Text 4 Budz Edition)

I'm not sure who's the bigger nimrod here: John Milligan and Kelly Reilly or Cpl. Christopher Pew. But what I do know is this, and it's a lesson that should be mantrafied:
Never send an explicit text messages in pursuit of herb. To wit:
SALEM, N.J. - A man who allegedly wanted to buy some marijuana was arrested after he mistakenly sent a text message to a Salem police officer, authorities said yesterday.
Cpl. Christopher Pew was off-duty when he received the message on his personal cell phone last week. Since he didn't know the person who had sent the text or whether it was a serious request, Pew agreed to meet the texter at a shopping center, and the person described what vehicle he would be driving.
That led to the arrests of John Milligan, 22, and Kelly Reilly, 20, both of Pennsville, who were charged with loitering to commit a controlled-dangerous-substance offense. - AP

Weasel took the 'bee, man. (Bonus points if you know what that's a reference to, mon.)
Well, I just got back from the Phils/O's game with Dan Hickey, so I'd rather watch the replay of the Brazil/It-lee game to see just how a dismantled American team managed to sneak into a match with Spain that will re-dismantle them, than be typing. So, some quick hits of the non-bong variety.
-- Looks like Corzine will use gay marriage to attempt to fend off his general-election foe. (Note to Gov: Figure out a soundbite to explain why you weren't exactly behind gay marriage last general election unless you don't mind the gays seeing right through your power-bottom ploy.)
-- Doesn't look like this "pass students for the heck of it" story is going to go away, putting the Inquirer in the role of the Sun from The Wire, a dynamic so chock-fulla-irony the VH1 Classic series can't be far off. (But if I might try: Are there any Philly teachers who can upgrade my freshman-year first report-card D in Biology to a B? That way, I won't be grounded anymore.)
-- Dear Comcast, Suck it. XOXO, the guy who is still pissed that you blackout Phils games on DirecTV, but is splendidly pleased DirecTV will soon surpass you in more ways than 10.
-- Kaka, the $92 Million Man.
-- Bill Keller of the Times bitchslaps Mark Bowden of the Inquirer.
-- Liberally speaking, the liberal White House has the liberal media in a deathgrip brought about by the former feeling liberally dom and the latter being all liberally sub.
-- Eliot Spitzer makes sweet, sweet love to a hot dog. By sweet, sweet love I mean "eats a hot dog while talking to a reporter from Vanity Fair." Sorry if I stoked your basest fetish yearnings. Note to self, write a column one day explaining why you disagree with Spitzer's assessment that...
“No. My obituary’s written,” he replied with shocking finality. “And that is a very hard thing to live with.”

-- And, in closing, a gratuitous photo of surfer chicks...

20 June 2009

"If you really pay me enough, we'll massage your feet in any of these sauces, also."

Here's the Jones BBQ and Foot Massage website.
And here's the Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage site.
God is good. (And so is sketch comedy.)

Arthur Kade Disavows Birth Father; Arthur Kade's Father Celebrates

I guess I would too if Daddy told people who worked at his salon that he'd personally give them abortions, though.

Bonus photo:

With rain comes time to read magazines...

...and with time to read magazines comes stories of interest. Here's a collection of the aforementioned dynamic.
SI has Philly glitter (both direct and indirect) all over its pages this week. Buddy Ryan's kid Rex sounding a lot like Buddy did when he was here ...
Rex got his June started by telling New York radio station WFAN that he won't defer to the Patriots, and, "I never came here to kiss Bill Belichick's rings." That fell in line with his response two weeks earlier, when it was suggested to him that the best three defenses in the AFC in recent years had been Baltimore's, Pittsburgh's and New England's. "New England?" said Rex. "How many people are intimidated by that defense?"
And last week, during the Jets' final minicamp of the off-season, Rex was drawn into a long-distance smackdown with Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, who blasted the rookie head coach for his bravado. Rex opened a formal media briefing by saying, "I've walked over tougher guys going to a fight than Channing Crowder."

...and a horrific reminder of how we enabled Ms. Cindy Crosby to hoist the Stanley Cup.
In Game 6 of the first round this spring in Philadelphia, the Penguins trailed 3--0 when Talbot picked a second-period fight with the Flyers' larger, nastier Daniel Carcillo. Talbot took a beating, but the scrap energized Pittsburgh, which rallied to eliminate its rival. "Max isn't the most skilled guy in the world," defenseman Brooks Orpik says, "but his heart is as big as it gets."

I didn't need to hear that. But I did need to hear all about Uncle Cholly Manuel again. Just to reconfirm how aw shucks awesome he is.
That appointment was met with bemusement in Philly, where the phrase "turnip truck" was bandied about liberally by the city's fans. It was quite a story: Ol' Cholly in the toughest sports town in America. They were going to eat him up.
"That's what we always laugh about," says Missy. "It's not any tougher [in Philadelphia] than how he grew up."

Maxim alerted me to the joys of Entertainment Weekly alerted me to the fact that the teary-eyed Oscar-winning screenwriter of Milk likes to have apparently-unprotected gay sex before the cameras (Not that there's not anything wrong with that if he fears fatal disease and fashioned himself -- and was seemingly portrayed as -- a spokesman for a community) and that Diablo Cody watches Real Housewives of the Jers, but it wasn't online, though this column about Daisy of Love was.
And, finally, GQ made it clear that Omega watches deem it acceptable to use JFK's image in ads for its $2K-plus Speedmaster Professional (which is tacky) and, as evidenced by the great photo at the top of this post, used the host of Austrian Gay TV, Bruno, as a cover agent to answer questions about grooming, style and love-making. Por ejemplo:
Dear Brüno, can men wear heels? When and why?
Of course. Some guys look great in heels—ze singer Pink, for example. Alzo, mein last boyfreund, Diesel, vas a genuine Pygmy only three eight, so ich made him vear heels so he could give me plow jops mitout me having to bend mein knees.


The Texas Summer's Premier Homoerotic Par-tay

Sexy and classy, indeed.

19 June 2009


RIP, Gary Papa

You'll be missed.

And I Quote...

Art's "Rapey Coutre" Look

This got me thinking about someone who I had met recently, and thought was ultra hot, and had an amazing personality, Vanessa Minnillo. I thought that our chemistry was sick, I could tell that she was into my looks, status, and personality, and I could see us having an awesome time hanging out, plus I loved her ethnic appeal and body, so I think that we could have some fun. I’m not sure if she still dates Nick Lachey (Not that it really matters because I have had more girls want to leave their boyfriends or husbands for me than I can ever count because I am superior to them) but if she is, you know that’s ending soon. His career is steadily declining as I am becoming more famous. ...
She gave me her assistant’s info at The Chelsea, so I think I am going to send an email to set up a date (My first in months), and see where it leads.
-- A. Kade, June 19, in a post about how he's having trust issues on account of his fame.

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, you actually had me with the Shaming of the Lachey. Seriously. Dude's OUT! But then you had to go and admit that all you got off the "ethnic" Ms. Minnillo is her assistant's information? C'mon, pal, you're better than admitting THAT? Aren't you?

Go Huck (and Jon) Go

Just caught the edited version of this on me telly. Thought it warranted a full airing since it's an intelligent debate about an oft-unintelligently debated issue.
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mike Huckabee
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJason Jones in Iran

One Song I Downloaded This Week (and Two Oldie But Goodies)

Music took a back seat to reading this week, as I delved into "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. Not exactly a perky summertime read but hey, it looked good, won the Pulitzer and, let's be honest, you know what you're getting into from the author of "No Country For Old Men" (didn't read that, but I'll blindly claim that this one was better.)
I haven't read as -- like I summed it up on FB -- depresspiring a novel in a while, if ever.

How would you know if you were the last man on earth? he said.
I dont guess you would know it. You'd just be it.
Nobody would know it.
It wouldnt make any difference. When you die it's the same as if everybody else did too.
I guess God would know it. Is that it?
There is no God.

Don't ask me. I'm on the fence. Especially after this book.

Onto the music, though, since it's the weekend. New song(s):
1. "Easy," Deer Tick. Funky-ass voice on this guy. First heard it via "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" and "Baltimore Blues Vol. 1." I think DT feels like a Dylan/slow Black Crowes/something-I-can't-put-finger-upon hybrid, but they make me disavow the iPod shuffle. So that's saying something.

2. "Funky Kingston," Toots & the Maytails. Hey, it's summer. And reggae is a summer tonic. And, as much as I love him, Marley alone isn't reggae. If funky-ass is the word of the day, it applies here as well. Because it's actually in the song title.
3. "Conditioner," Wu-Tang Clan (featuring Snoop Dogg). Go ahead, try to tell me Osiris don't be all hypnotizing when repeating lyrics over and over. And, really, did you think I could avoid Snoop and Big Baby Jesus passing the mic back and forth?

18 June 2009

The Real Table-Flippin' Housewives of New Jersey

I always kind of figured the season of RHoNJ would end with catcalls of whorishness punctuated by furniture tossing. Really, I did. Because I'm from Jersey. In any event, here's my post about the finale. It kind of reminded me of high school, as you'll see.
What I never saw in my little nook of the Jers was a housewarming party (held at a restaurant, mind you, and camouflaged as an enhancement-congratulatory session) take such surreal turns. The only way to describe this visual Pu-Pu Platter of guilty pleasure is as the Lu Nello episode of "The Soprasimpsons," brought to you by "Nip/Tuck." Just like the Eric fight, it had some unexpected, good-for-and-probably-suggested-by-TV plot variations.

I pray they do a RHoPhilly next. Main Line fish in a barrel. Trashy fish in a barrel.

The Really Dirty Souf

Much respect to the Right Rev. E.B. Webb for sending this story way up to the 215:
The woman who claims she was kidnapped, bound and raped by a Snellville man was open about her interest in bondage fantasies, associates say.
“She said she and her husband are into it,” said Marissa Kaye, an Alpharetta makeup artist who did work for the alleged rape victim. A recent photo shoot featuring the 24-year-old Atlanta woman showed her dressed in bondage garb, Kaye said. ...
“[The suspect] Mr. [David Joseph] Jansen is a super nice guy and did spend a lot of time at the club — two, three times a week,” said the club employee. “He gave a sizable amount of money to [the alleged victim] and other girls.”

And here's Mrs. Jansen talking about the matter.

Beat This Caption (Vol. II)

"I insist that you're the bigger douchebag."
"No, no, no, YOU are the bigger douchebag."
"How about we just call it a tie and split a Cosmo."
"You got it!"
Photo Courtesy: Art's cyber flea market of shame.

Bonus Coverage:


17 June 2009

He must have left "It's Raining Men" off, just because

I wanted to go a full day without even mentioning the word Kade.
I wanted to write my Real Housewives of NJ post for, exercise, chuck the tennis ball to Chuck Dawg out in the alley and settle into the recliner with "The Road" in hand and the Cubs/White Sox on TV.
I did all that, too.
But then I peeked at Facebook and saw that Artie had updated his blog. And then I looked at the blog.
And then I wanted to climb City Hall with a Remington 780 and start taking people out.

One of my many passions, and something that I have an amazing knowledge of is music. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am always dancing and moving, and even when I am at the gym, I dance around to get my self hype, and create workouts that no one else can keep up with.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

I was stopped by the music editor of Philadelphia Weekly (One of the most well known, influential, and largest publications in this city), Brian Mcmanus(Who if you read the article he was so excited to meet me he almost came in his pants), who asked if I could do something to contribute to his column or paper with my growing international popularity. I told him to email me a proposal, and I would have “My People” look at it, and decide whether or not it made sense for the expansion of the Kade Brand.

Misplaced arrogance chopped up with a credit card onto a mirror is a hell of a drug. (But it makes the Weekly bigger in said user's eyes.)

Well, today he emailed the article that he had written describing our encounter, and asked if I wanted to do a contribution to the paper in rating or talking about new music.

Shame on you. I refuse to read it.
I have always been told my taste in music is ultra sophisticated and unique, and I think it might be interesting to share with the world what I think about certain shows, songs, or acts, and maybe even become something like Oprah’s Book Club.

Oh yeah, people want to know what ultra-sophisticated shit Artie Fucking Light Stick Kade listens to. Hit us with it.

1) Kanye West-Flashing Lights
2) Michael Jackson-Bad
3) Dave Matthews Band-Ants Marching
4) Frou Frou-Let Go
5) Madonna-Vogue
6) Jay Z-Can’t Knock The Hustle
7) Kanye West-Touch The Sky
8) Madonna-Deeper and Deeper
9) Peter Gabriel-Solesbury Hill
10) Notorious BIG: Juicy
11) Bon Jovi–You Give Love A Bad Name
12) Rolling Stones-Start Me UP
13) Jennifer Lopez-Let’s Get Loud
14) Craig David-Insomnia
15) Britney Spears-Womanizer

Oh wow. That explains a lot. And I mean A LOT. So, fine, I read the story he referenced in the lag between Madonna, J Lo and Brit-Brit. How do I put this gently:
Please go away.
Please stop updating your website.
I'm begging you.
You make me want to cut myself, Arthur. Seriously. With a rusty blade, through the aorta.
*** Bonus coverage from the comments section: It seems Kade has even offended Australia.


Highlights from the Brazil/Egypt game. U.S. plays Brazil tomorrow morning (our time) and Egypt on (I think) Sunday. Looking like 0-3 in the Confederation Cup.

Today's Racial Metro Column

My writings were on display for all Philadelphia commuters and Center City goers to see again today. But you can see it here.
I couldn't agree less with those who think firehouses should be bullied into even more equal opportunities. They’re not, as one liberal editorial put it, "vestiges of discrimination that perpetuate inequality." They are individuals upon whom nobody projects race when they’re saving lives.

More Charlie Dawg pics

From Advance magazine. Soon to be renamed Advance Charlie Dawg magazine.

16 June 2009

F the New York Times, the Steve Bartman of Journalism

I'll repeat here what I just wrote on Twitter: So, not only did Bartman swat away the Cubs' chances to win the '03 World Series, but now he forced Sammy Sosa to take performance-enhancing drugs? He's a friggin' monster, that Bartman, one that needs to be destroyed.
But I just got to thinking, um, does it matter if a Cub is on roids? I mean, it has been 101 painful years. I'll pour a 40 out in one of my seven Cubs hats before thee morrow.

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Ever. And I've seen some funny-ass stuff

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The Endorsement

It isn't often I write about arts stuff. Unless you consider reality-TV or my reaction to The Boy From Oz arts stuff. Then I take that back. But, I share with all y'all an email I received earlier today supporting what sounds like a good cause. So, support it if you're in a position to do so. Ciao.
Kate Watson-Wallace is by any measure of the definition "good people". When I first met Kate in 2004, she was dedicating large swaths of her time teaching the children of Philadelphia how to bust a move, providing free choreography lessons for any grade schooler who showed interest but couldn't afford dance school - free of charge and always with a warm, nurturing vibe that helped impact the fabric of our great city.
Now's our turn to give a little back.
The economic downturn has assuredly impacted the arts groups that help elevate the status of Philadelphia on the national stage - Kate included. Despite a Pew Fellowship and accolades that have bellowed down from sea-to-sea, it's tough getting together funds these days to launch one's latest creative venture. So this Saturday, Kate and her anonymous bodies collective are throwing a fundraiser to help raise some cash to help in the production of her latest piece, STORE.
But this ain't some quaint, proper affair, my peoples - it's a full blown house party, featuring sets from some of the city's best dj's, a special preview of STORE and free grub provided by the Latest Dish. Other sponsors for the night include Heinekin and Sailor Jerry.
As the City Paper put it a few months back when anointing Kate with a city best for "Most Intriguing Ongoing Dance Idea"
"This one goes to Kate Watson-Wallace, who started choreographing domestic space with Living Room(s) at DanceBoom!, where a sofa provided inspiration. Then she took over the whole House for Live Arts '06. At this year's fest she moved into theCar, and next year she plans on going Shopping. Call me cynical, but it's sounds like she is dancing her way through the American dream. "
Let's all help keep that dream aloft. Spread the word!

The word, spread.

Gen-W Wasteland, it's only Generation W Wasteland

You know how the fourth hour of the Today Show is a veritable Body Worlds Exhibit, except instead of skeletons they have really bad human beings sitting in? Take that thought, add a circle of Hell to it, and what you have is the 10! Show. An add-on talk-show from a middlin' TV station in the Philly market that, though I know of a few decent hard-working people that work there, is prone to reporting someone dead when they're not, thus sending my, er, their grandmother into a tizzy. In their defense they did do a lot of decent stories after I got hit. To their, um, uncredit (which isn't a word, but you get the point), I wasn't dead.
So anyway, they did this whole 4-minute "Hey, dads dress the same all damn year, here are tips on how you can buy them clothes that look less like daddy and more like -- wait for it -- -- you know it's coming -- Arthur Kade! Except they didn't mention him by name, or even refer to anything but what Image Consultant Renee Piani and Pants Boutique Owner John Segal (sorry if it's misspelled, but really I'm only dedicating this much time to it so I can post these photos. No. 2 being Kade's "Joker" look) said.
I can't wait to read his update about how they were fawning all over him when, in fact, it was 45 seconds on screen, and both of the other models -- if I may summon some gay -- were considerably better looking.
The highlight: During another model's turn, Renee encouraged people to tell their padres, reinforcement-wise, that their "shoulders look great."

"The Weekend Daytime Casual Look"
The YouTube version comes with Kadentary. At least until he's off the "stage."

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