The Greatest Story Ever Told
I hold, in my very hands, the June issue of Philadelphia Magazine. I insist you camp out at the nearest newsstand now until it arrives. It may be a couple days. That matters not. Read the rest of this, grab your woobie and go.
This is self-serving only in that a 3,000-word piece written by me, about me, starts on page 50. But don't you dare turn immediately to page 50. You'd only be wasting your time. Because, ok, deep breath ....
THERE IS A STORY ABOUT ARTHUR KADYSHES, AKA ARTHUR KADE, AKA THE GREATEST AMERICAN DOUCHEBAG AND HIS "JOURNEY."
No, seriously. Think about it: I was going to put a copy or two away for my kids to read, when I have kids, when they can read, anyway. But now, I'm going to fucking bronze it or laminate it or put it in a fucking strongbox to keep it forever and ever and ever. A couple excerpts, that I have to type in since it's not online yet:
"[Arthur's father] Leonard is, apparently, a full-fledged character in his own right; five years ago, according to court papers, a state committee found he had unfairly fired a salon colorist after repeatedly sexually harassing her, touching her breasts and rear, and telling her that he would perform an abortion on her himself if she ever became pregnant."
Yeah, he runs the Raya Coiffure Boutique in Haverford. And, he's a dirtbag. Seriously, a placenta-lapping douchebag.
Ok, ok, I haven't read past that point yet. I dropped everything and ran to the laptop because:
THAT IS SO FUCKING DISGUSTING YET SO EMBLEMATIC OF EVERYTHING KADE. I mean, that colorist had to be a 4 or a 5, tops, to get Kade's attention.
Other notes: Kade has adult acne. Kade is renting his condo out so he lives on "friends'" couches. Kade said his site gets hundreds of thousands of hits since Philebrity and Gawker and Jezebel started ripping him.
Well, it's time for me to go upstairs and scan the first page so I have a photo of this mess that will only end in tragedy -- or abortion threats. And you have to go buy Philadelphia Magazine. Fare thee well.
(Here it is!)