Philly Blunt

Freelance writer. Editor and web-video producer. Former Atlantic City Press and Philadelphia Weekly staff writer, City Paper managing editor/columnist and Dougherty for Senate campaign manager. Comments welcome here or emailed to brianhickey9 [at] hotmail. Now on: Facebook (Brian Hickey, in Philly) Twitter at www.twitter.com/brianhickey Flickr at http://www.flickr.com/people/brianhickey/. Be sure to check out Hickey on Divorce Court: divorcecourting.blogspot.com.

14 April 2009

Confirmed: My Priest was a Low Toucher!!!


*Low-touching priest not pictured
First, let me say that I'm going to keep names and all out of this; after all, it's no laughing matter. But, I take solace in the fact that I'm not crazy since something I said all along, yet my childhood friend refuted, has been taken by him as gospel.
Just got off the phone with a former altar boy at the same time I served in such an illustrious role (illustrious in that, if you got a wedding assignment, you made off with some cash). And yes, I, Brian P. Hickey, was an altar boy, albeit one who would ring the bell a wee bit longer than the congregants thought necessary. Now, all along I'd been saying, "Father Joe Blown is touching kids low. Believe you me, Louie." But Louie would take offense. "Father Joe Blown is a man of God. And, a nice guy. He would never touch kids low."
Fast-forward to today:
Louie: "Yo Hick, Father Joe Blown was touching kids low. Someone he touched low told his wife who told one of my friends."
Hick: "No shit, Louie. I've been saying that since we were kids. I just knew it."
Louie: "Did he touch you low? He didn't touch me low."
Hick: "Hell no. But I have a feeling he touched Chet low. Chet was never the same after being an altar boy, you know? Besides, why do you think Father Blown got transferred all of a sudden when we were in junior high?"

From there, the conversation took a decidedly warped path:
Hick: "Well, why the hell didn't Father Blown try to touch us low? What, weren't we good-looking enough?"
Louie: "I think because we wore jeans under the robes instead of sweatpants."
Hick: "Yeah, and because we wouldn't sample the house (of God) wine with Father Blown."
Louie: "Ha."
Hick: "Ha. But keep Father Blown in your prayers tonight."
Louie: "I will."
Hick: "Later."

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