Philly Blunt

Freelance writer. Editor and web-video producer. Former Atlantic City Press and Philadelphia Weekly staff writer, City Paper managing editor/columnist and Dougherty for Senate campaign manager. Comments welcome here or emailed to brianhickey9 [at] hotmail. Now on: Facebook (Brian Hickey, in Philly) Twitter at www.twitter.com/brianhickey Flickr at http://www.flickr.com/people/brianhickey/. Be sure to check out Hickey on Divorce Court: divorcecourting.blogspot.com.

30 August 2008

Food for Political Thought


What follows is an article I wrote on Nov. 3, 2004. Even Johnny Boy McCain's decision to go -- and excuse me for the bluntness, but there's really zero other explanation -- the "piece of ass" route in naming with potential veepette won't change the fact that, nearly four years ago, I saw the only way for America to redeem itself. (Still I be loving the "Palin" gets "tapped" headlines. I mean, c'mon headline people.)

Talk about a rude wake-up call. It was 5:40 a.m. EST when Andrew Card's smarmy mug materialized on the television. The bottom corner of the screen read Bush 254, Kerry 252. "We are convinced President Bush won re-election," said Dubya's chief of staff, noting that Tuesday was a "great celebration of our democracy."

Well excuse us if we aren't in the partying mood, Andy. While you accurately predicted Ohio voters would protect the stranglehold you and yours have on our White House, we're worried.

Worried about what's going to happen to our soldiers in, and soon to be heading to, Iraq or the next stop on Democracy's Global March.

About how much further John Ashcroft and the boys in the black helicopters are going to erode our civil rights. (After all, Georgie Boy doesn't have those pesky re-election concerns to cap his poison pen anymore.)

About how we're going to get the clean air and drinkable water we need to survive. (Or maybe even the stem-cell research that could've had Bush watching results with a living Ronald Reagan rather than holding an Election Night gala in a building named after the dead Gipper.)

About keeping our children from getting left so very, very far behind.

About, quite frankly, everything.

We wanted to hold out some hope for a miraculous John Kerry comeback victory. Truly, we did. But our dreams were dashed within hours, when he announced to the world that he'd be calling the Prez to concede.

Tuesday night, we heard all the pundits and politicos noting that the most pressing matter facing whomever wins the presidency is healing the nasty rift in an America more divided than it's been in quite some time. A noble idea, no doubt. But probably not a pry-are-oh-tee, if you catch our drift.

We begrudgingly accept the fact that somehow, more than half of America's voters pulled that nasty Bush/Cheney lever. (Doesn't mean we want to break bread with them any time soon.) We're just not biting on your spin, Andy, that the numbers show your boss has a bigger mandate from the people of any president since 1988. If you believe that, well, you're as delusional as the pundits and politicos who see some healin' on the horizon.

Now, we're proud that Philadelphians — namely young Philadelphians — got involved in the democratic process. They took the battleground right out of the state. (Note to you: Build on this). But today marks a time to move forward, in the spirit that almost affected commander-in-chief-style change. That'll be hard work, of course, considering that the president's going to be, well, pissed at the lack of love we showed for him the past few months.

To that end, City Paper is proud to bring you this "Bush Victory Survival Guide" complete with tips on how to go on living in this brave new world. On the following pages are, among other things, directions on how to become a Canadian citizen, what jobs we expect to offer some stability between now and 2008 (i.e., soldier) and tips on how to "dress like a rich white guy."

Sarcastic? We thought some of it was, until we woke up to Andy Card urging us to throw out the "Kerry Victory Survival Guide" we'd prepared with stars in our eyes. (If you want to read it, you'll find it posted in all its Dewey Defeats Truman glory on www.citypaper.net. The illustrations surrounding this introduction, as you may have already noticed, would have helped conservatives adapt to the new world order that would have been ushered in by a Kerry victory.)

So, give it a read, folks. It just might come in handy when the onslaught begins. And remember: In 1,459 days, vote Obama.

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